Marcel Thee – Unless you've been in spiritual exile for the last few years, you've probably noticed the incessant amount of shamelessly pitiful horror films appearing in local cinemas. These films tirelessly regurgitate the same old idea: A group of overcurious teens battling a ghoul or two, or an endless loop of cheap raunchiness closer to horrific than erotic.
In 2010, for some unknown reason, the producers of such films thought that their work was still too classy and needed something more – an extra punch just in case all the semi-nudity, predictable storylines and witless scares didn't carry enough commercial viability.
And, judging from this year's titles, moviegoers must have demanded insanely ludicrous movie names to go along with the nonsensical plots. Apparently, the kids needed to be sure exactly what the films were about. Why beat around the bush when you can just plop a ghost into any random trending topic and make that the title? Try this winner on for size: "Setan Facebook" ("Facebook Satan"). Everything you need to know about the movie is right there.
Unfortunately, the bizarre title hoopla didn't bring us any local B-grade movie classics. Those hoping for our very own "They Came From Mars" or "The King of Zombies" were disappointed because, weird titles or not, the films still resorted to the same old bag of tricks. Apparently, even irony is a concept lost on many local producers, leaving audiences stuck with a list of ludicrously titled bad movies that could have been classics.
'Hantu Puncak Datang Bulan' ('The Menstruating Ghost of Puncak')
Well, there you go. It is indeed possible to combine the words "menstruating" and "ghost" in the title of a commercially released film. Trust me when I say the amalgamation between those two factors sounds even ickier in Indonesian.
The main apparitions in the film (the menstruating protagonists, so to speak) come into existence after the male ghost-to-be rapes his menstruating girlfriend. The lovely couple get into a fight and end up dead.
While the premise is so-bad-it-could-have-been-good, what follows is another predictable tumble between a few horny teens and a ghoul that attacks every time she goes through "that time of the month." Oooohhh, scary. At least they could have given us a tampon-wielding version of Satan.
'Diperkosa Setan' ('Raped by a Ghost')
You know how films like "Cannibal Holocaust" are considered horror classics due to their unabashed gruesomeness? Well, "Diperkosa Setan" makes films like those look like Academy Award contenders.
The movie employs no particular special effects in its invisible ghost sex scenes. As a matter of fact, it appears that the film's producers didn't bother to employ a scriptwriter either. Lacking in plot, the movie focuses on its sex-crazed protagonist, a young man whose conquests apparently extend to every single female in the city.
He accidentally dies of an overdose while getting high to cure the depression he feels after being deprived of sex... for a few hours, and then comes back to exact his revenge.
'Suster Keramas' ('Shampooing Nurse')
Like the producers and cast of this film, I am not sure what the story is about. Apparently it has something to do with a Japanese tourist, played with finesse and conviction by Japanese porn star Rin Sakuragi, who wants to look for her sister – a nurse who is now a ghost who likes to attack people in the shower. That is all.
What could have been a unique opportunity to use dandruff as a weapon or stick a soap bar up a ghoul's secret place instead runs through all the old cliches of loud noises and long-haired, buxom dead vixens. Only this time, there's also a set of Japanese breasts that are bouncing alongside all the local ones.
'Setan Facebook' ('Facebook Satan')
Just when you thought the Oscar would go to "The Social Network," this underdog steps out from the shadows. Trying to incorporate a little social insight through its Facebook-obsessed protagonist, the film makes social networkers the bad guys.
You'll be rooting pretty hard for the apparition to hack up the protagonist soon enough, as the heroine in question is a Facebook-obsessed dimwit who updates her status more often than she takes a breath.
When her friends begin to die after accepting a friend request from an unknown girl, our heroine must overcome an array of obstacles, including running, screaming and running while screaming.
'Cin... Tetangga Gue Kuntilanak' ('Honey... My Neighbor Is a Ghost')
No, this is not an afterlife sequel to "Dude, Where's My Car?" The film is not as smart, and none of its actors are as good as Ashton Kutcher.
What could have at least been a fun paranoia flick a la "Disturbia" is one of the worst things to grace the silver screen... ever... anywhere.
Seemingly produced and directed by a schizophrenic coke addict, this horror showcases every cheap-looking special effect in the history of cinema. It's not even sinetron worthy.
You know those tacky effects used as backgrounds in photo booths? This movie's got 'em. Just when you think the background clips used for ballads in karaoke bars are the worst, here comes "Cin... Tetangga Gue Kuntilanak!" Hoo-ray!