Joanne Collins, Manatuto – Fidgeting in his chair and staring at the ground, Matias Soares recalls the night he and other pro-Jakarta militiamen went on a rampage, torching houses one by one, after East Timor voted to break from Indonesian rule in 1999.
Soares and his mates in this seaside town of Manatuto had just looted beer from a kiosk and were roaring drunk.
"It was 9 o'clock. We armed ourselves with petrol, jumped in a car then drove by houses setting them alight one by one," said the slightly-built Soares, talking in his junk-laden backyard.
"I did not kill anybody and had no choice but to join the militia group, the [Indonesian] police enlisted me and threatened to kill me and my family if I did not."
Now, the 32-year-old father of three is full of remorse and wants to be accepted back into his community – which he fled because of fear of reprisal – and celebrate East Timor's landmark transition to full independence on Sunday.
The trauma of what happened when marauding militias laid waste to East Timor in response to the 1999 independence vote, and trying to re-integrate those who want forgiveness, is one of the biggest challenges facing the world's newest nation.
"Without reconciliation, there will be no future for this country," said Dili-based Catholic priest Father Jovito Araujo.
Jovito is vice chair of East Timor's truth and reconciliation commission – which aims to seek the truth regarding human rights violations covering the period almost a year before Indonesia's 1975 invasion until late 1999.
"We need to bring back the past, identify it and then bury it with dignity," he said.
The pro-Jakarta militia fury was triggered by East Timor's landslide vote to break from 24 years of brutal Indonesian rule. Brandishing machetes, sometimes delirious from drugs, the Indonesian-military-backed militias went on a killing spree and herded more than a quarter of the population across the border into Indonesian West Timor.
The United Nations, which has run East Timor ever since, estimates more than 1,000 people were killed before and after the ballot. UN Secretary General Kofi Annan will hand over the reins of power at midnight on Sunday to East Timor's leaders.
East Timor's spiritual leader Bishop Belo said on Friday he was not entirely happy with the reconciliation process, adding the fate of ex-militia members among refugees still in neighbouring Indonesian West Timor was a big problem.
"We hope the remaining 50,000 [refugees] will come back but I also hear the voice of widows complaining of rape ... they do not want to meet in the street the perpetrators," he told a news conference. "How do we solve this?"
Scared to return
Timorese generally seem willing to forgive those who only torched property or looted, but many want justice for those who murdered or raped.
Nevertheless, Soares only returned to Manatuto last week after almost three years in West Timor. "I heard many stories about militia members being badly beaten up when they returned so I was scared. But I was born here and I wanted to return for independence," he said.
Manatuto is a winding two-hour car drive from the capital Dili and also the birth place of President-elect Xanana Gusmao. Charred buildings still bear testament to the handiwork of Soares and his comrades but people appear to be moving on.
"Take the example of Matias, he has not been beaten up since he returned even though people recognise him," said Canossian Sister Esmiralda, herself a target of militia violence.
The truth commission has no judicial function, but has the power to investigate reports of abuse, and any evidence of serious crimes will be referred to Timorese courts. Jovito hailed the example of Gusmao, once jailed by Jakarta for leading the resistance movement.
"There is a long, long way to go here in the reconciliation process but our political leaders, especially Xanana Gusmao, are very committed to the process," he said.
But he said the commission did not agree with Gusmao on all fronts, such as his wish to seek amnesty for some perpetrators of violence. "The capacity Xanana has shown to forgive is a good example but we don't want to ignore the suffering of the people."